Over the last couple of nights, i had what i thought was a good series of exchanges with a woman via a dating app. She seemed smart, a bit geeky, attractive and i liked her figure (based on her photos). I’d sent her a note regarding my political leanings since in her profile stated she is a liberal (as am i) and while i was asleep, she asked me a question about how i felt about Sec. Clinton now that Senator Sanders is out of the race and has endorsed her.
Unfortunately I was asleep at the time and only read the question in passing when i woke up momentarily. I was looking forward to answering her because it’s a good question and filled with a lot of observations and nuance.
I was a bit crushed and hurt when i woke up to find she’d removed me as a contact.
I can’t presume anything. It might have been an accident, it might have been she’d met someone she thought was more interesting, it might have been that she mistook my silence for rejection- which it wasn’t; i was sleeping at the time. It could have been a lot of things.
BUT it might have been that she came across this site, synaesthetic.com by searching my name.
And if someone doesn’t know me and they come across this, even by my own admission, they’re likely to have a lot of questions about me.
If this is the case and this you’ve stumbled across this by similar means and for similar intentions, i’d like to explain some things.
Synaesthetic was, for many, many years, my platform for my thoughts, observations and reflections. Sometimes they were silly, sometimes they were serious, sometimes they were just reflective. That all changed a few years ago when a woman i was involved with left me for reasons that i’ll call insane- and i do mean that in a clinical as well as ethical sense, all under the guise of her “femininity” (her word) and “self actualization” (again, her words).
I’m not going to rehash that experience because this isn’t the place for it. Suffice it to say that the experience cost me dearly and it’s taken years to earn back my self respect, my objectivity, my confidence and to realize and come to terms with all of the coping strategies i’d engaged in to maintain an illusion of love.
I spent months and even a years rarely writing here. The grief, the confusion, the pain of that breakup consumed everything- and i mean EVERYTHING.
I’m well again. It took years, it took a lot of holding myself accountable for the mistakes i made and it took a lot for me to hold my ex accountable. She was my best friend and she betrayed our relationship, our friendship and used me as a tool to maintain an appearance of normalcy so she could live out her other life with her owner and master.
Although i’m well, there are still times when i find something that triggers a memory or an observation; a cascade of emotions that sometimes compels me to be apoplectic in my journal entries here. In a nutshell, synaesthetic.com has, for a while, been a place where i express a lot of hurt but as a bellwether for where i am in life, it’s not accurate. I have other places where i express the lighter side of things, such as my Instagram feed. I do some stuff for a group on Reddit that people seem to enjoy and i’m painting again. I live in one of the most wonderful places in the world, the Pacific Northwest, and although i don’t have any friends in the area, life is relatively good.
I would ask that if you have learned my name via a dating app or site and have stumbled on this site, please consider that what you may find here are snapshots- many of which for the last few years were taken during a very difficult, cruel and confusing time for me. There is no hurt left. There is no more feeling that i’ve fallen into an abyss but there are certainly times when I need to exercise a little catharsis here.
Please don’t consider what you read here as who i am. These are snapshots and not a reflection of who i am nor where i am in life these days.
Thank you for your time and consideration.