There was a time when i wanted to write nearly all the time. That changed when i began to be treated for my sleep apnea. For those that don’t know, i lost about 20 years of my life in a fugue state and by all rights, should have died in my sleep many times due to obstructive sleep apnea.
Then when going through a breakup a few years ago, all i could do was write- but the further I was from that experience, my desire to write diminished as well. And then I didn’t want to write at all because there is this huge backlog of thoughts, realizations, rage and pain that came out of that breakup here. They’re not just in the posts that i made during that time but also in the scraps and notes that i promised i would eventually get to but every time i thought about it, i came to the realization that i didn’t want to be anywhere around them. I didn’t want to have to acknowledge how i utterly abandoned common sense, integrity and how i’d used coping strategy after coping strategy of trying to maintain a relationship (with plans of marriage) to someone that… that frankly, i loved but was not physically attracted to in the least. To be sure, she was beautiful and was capable of putting an act on that was so convincing that it even fooled her- but one thing i’ve learned over the last few years is that it’s when times are tough and you’re given a choice between doing what’s easy over what’s right or doing what’s right over what’s easy that the content of your character is revealed.
And therein lies the segue.
I made a promise to myself that i’d get all of this fucking detritus out. Some of that is taking responsibility for, and openly admitting all of the coping strategies i’d used to maintain a belief system, and by extension, a relationship, that was so fucked up and convoluted that when that belief structure collapsed and all of the sutures and stitches i’d used to maintain my beliefs and relationship came apart, it cost me my job, my dignity, my self respect and for a while, i lost my sanity.
I’ve decided that i’m going to clean house, so to speak. That backlog of hurt, rage and honesty that i’ve been avoiding for years because it seems so irrelevant now- i’m going to make an entry and bit by bit, get all of that shit out. I’m not going to do it in one sitting and frankly, it’s not going to make sense. It’ll be disjointed. It’ll be a shattered mirror that i don’t want to touch, let alone look at but that’s exactly what i’m going to do.
I’m glad to say that was years ago. I have my dignity, my self respect and confidence again. I’m living in a part of the world that is beautiful beyond description and am working on some new goals such as another degree (a BS this time of all things) and am about to begin the process of looking for a home. I have a job that is intense and pays decently (terrible benefits though and no paid time off. No vacation, no holiday pay but thankfully WA passed a law forcing employers to provide sick leave) but is sucking the life out of me. It has no future, no chance of advancement but hundreds of people see what I do and know i’m solid. I’m hoping that between those people and the degree i’m pursuing, a better opportunity will come out of it.
On the other hand, it is winter. Winter in the Pacific Northwest. These are the days and nights that it gets tough. Seemingly endless days of drizzle, rain and the winds from the Fraser Valley. Emerald green ferns and mosses set against endless fields of dead and rotting stalks of grass and days when the idea of a horizon seems and the sun on my skin seems like a distant memory from a different land.
There’s more to say and given enough time, it’ll all come out. Unfortunately it’s a Sunday evening and tomorrow is guaranteed to be difficult and draining day for me. Thankfully I now sleep without 120 stoppages of breathing per hour as I did for the better part of 20 years.