I have a lot on my mind these days, namely the way that silence can be the harshest word never spoken. I’ll have to keep that for another time.
If you look at the side, you’ll notice some journal archives from 2008 [jan apr]. Wow. Talk about interesting. These entries come from a time in my life prior to my sleep therapy. As i was transcribing those pages into WordPress [my publishing software for this journal], i noticed a couple of things.
The first thing i noticed is one i’ve been aware of for some time. Since beginning my sleep therapy, i don’t write as much as i used to. I still write but i think about writing more than i actually do. Writing used to be this HUGE emotional cleansing process. It still is but the difference is that i don’t need that process as much as i used to.
The second thing i noticed that i kind of miss but don’t, is how much i used to LOVE to rail and rant. It wasn’t that i was that person in person, but it was my alter ego- and i used to let that alter ego out to roam quite a bit.
In a moment of reflection, i can honestly say that i don’t miss it. I don’t want to say it was immature because the intent was to have fun, to have a release. Releases are healthy when no one gets hurt. During that time and for quite a while before, it seemed my emotions were always ready to go. I could be reticent in person, and i still am, but when confronted with something emotional now, it’s easier for me to let it slide off of me.
I do not know if it’s the changes i’ve undergone since sleeping with the biPAP or if it’s that i’m older. Maybe both.
Oddly, i’m having one of those times when my thoughts are preoccupied with something that i really want to let out. I keep hoping the person in question will talk to me because i value her thoughts. Silence is a trigger for anxieties that i have a difficult time dealing with.