25 May 2008 to 27 October 2012. Goodbye, my beautiful diamond.
I have let my wounds define me. I have let years of hurt be the skin i wear. And now i am riddled with more.
I have worn an exterior of not believing in myself because it hurt so much to be perceived as arrogant. I allowed the facade to be the first things people saw in me and eventually i began to think it it really was me.
I have always struggled with my own attractiveness even though logically i know i’m pretty goddamned awesome and i have dated some BEAUTIFULSMARTKIND women.
I have allowed my fears of being abandoned and of being excluded come to the forefront and in response, the woman i have thought i would spend my life with has responded with her own fear-that i am trying to control her. Two rational people have now become irrational and now we can’t speak without hurting each other.
The rift has torn us apart and has brought out the worst in each of us and fostered an environment where we can’t communicate and honesty is delivered in jagged, cruel swaths- and now there is more blood on my hands.
I will not be controlled by these things anymore. I will stumble and i will fall sometimes and right now there are a lot of tears that i need to give back to the ground beneath my feet. But during this time and once this time has passed, i will no longer allow myself to be those parts that have sought to diminish me, to make me doubt my worth. And most of all, i will honor and respect the wounds, rents and hurt that i have endured because those things have taught me the importance of being kind, loving, forgiving- but they’re part of the journey that has brought me to where i am; not the journey itself nor are they the path under my feet.
I will continue to believe that
As an aside, i came across this image last year. I have often referred to it with a self examining eye. In truth, i am almost always in the green part of this. I do slip. We all do. But i am the master of my life, i have a deep sense of self respect and i have found some of the finest people in the world to call friends. They will support, love and encourage me and when i fuck up, they will call me on it. It’s a good diagram for those willing to consider it and who don’t mind being compared to goats. Goats are pretty remarkable creatures actually even if they’ve been known to steal the souls of children with those spooky eyes of theirs. That probably explains the milk. It’s the distilled essence of the souls of children. Delicious, delicious children… and you can turn em into some tasty cheese too.