There have been so many changes in my life in the last two years that i’m not even going to begin to describe all of them here.
But i can’t seem to describe ANY of them either.
A few months after my breakup, i came into some information that i was previously ignorant of. It was one of those things where it was right in front of me and i guess i chose to not see or acknowledge it. As anyone that knows me will tell you, i am exceptionally and stupidly naive at times. Some people have described it as “charming” and i get that- but there are times when my nativity prevents me from seeing threats- personal threats and threats to my relationships to others. I refused to see others manipulating my relation with my ex, Michelle. I did the same thing with my most recent ex too.
Initially, i promised the person that i wouldn’t divulge anything. She was gathering data in the poly and kink communities for a project for her studies (psychology) and didn’t want anyone else to know- and possibly change their behaviors when she was around. But after that, coming here to synaesthetic just became a burden- a reminder of how someone that was supposedly my best friend and the woman i wanted to marry was subverted by what i can describe only as a shallow, high school educated, unemployed, mommy fixated, culturally illiterate, pseudo intellectual hick. There are a few other adjectives for him too- and at some point i’ll spend an entry going on about him and what an utter sack of greasy, self absorbed, shallow bag of shit he is.
See? This is the problem- the emotional weight that’s still attached to that whole mess. I have several entries where i tried to go into things, to wonder and speculate on how someone i spent four and a half years with went from being the woman that wrote this note to me (link to be inserted later) to someone that not only coerced me into acquiescing with her other lover when i lived two and a half hours away without as much as a face to face conversation, to someone that started believing and rationalizing that i somehow i held her to a different expectation that i had for myself, to someone that not only broke up with me over the phone (no- that’s not a joke) to someone who declared she was going to be a cum dumpster at a swingers club as, “…a one time thing or perhaps as a lifestyle,” and that i had no right to have a say in the matter because it was part of her “femininity” (her words) and “self actualization” (again, her words).
How did someone that professed to be more focused on the “amory” part of “polyamory” become convinced polyfuckery- that is, anonymous, high volume, high risk thrill fucking of nameless guys injecting their sperm into her was part of her “right to freedom” in our relationship?
How did this person go from being someone i spent three years falling in love with, who was closer to me than anyone since Michelle and that i kept no secrets from. How did she go from that person to someone that i wish that i’d never met? How did she go from being the person that i knew to someone that broke up with me over the phone without a SINGLE attempt at counseling or reconciliation-and whose last words to me were:
Shelly, I’m oh so smart and there are so many things that I want to do and experiences that I want to have and I just don’t see that you have a place in my future anymore.
And yes, that’s verbatim. At the time, i couldn’t believe what i’d just heard. It, literally, made no sense to me at all. I had to have something tangible to read because it was so utterly stupid, so fucking self-absorbed and sanctimonious that i needed to read it back again and again with her voice in my head.
Then one night on a singles site that i was on when i really had no business looking for dates or lovers, a chat window pops open. We chatted for two evenings, i believe. Maybe three. I was so livid and hurt over what she told me that i just mothballed that account and to this day, haven’t reactivated it. But once i absorbed what she said, i could hear the pieces in my head going “click click click…”
I’d been played- and quite deliberately so by this hick. I’ll just call him Clevon.
And so every time i think about writing in my journal here, I get sad. I feel pity for someone that used to be my best friend but more than anything, i get angry at myself for so many things… and it threatens to overwhelm me.
So i’ve quit updating my journal when, in hindsight, i should have been writing- and writing profusely about everything that’s gone on. Well, i did write. I wrote a LOT. I just never published it because, as i did a few minutes ago, i found myself filled with passion and fury and that catharsis… it wasn’t as healthy as i wanted it to be. Insanity (and i mean that clinically) and cruelty from someone that i loved wasn’t going to bring understanding or any sense of tranquility by the simple act of writing.
I tried. Lord knows that i tried. At least i finally made my own closure a bit more than a year ago with the longest, most painful and tear drenched response to her. If you know me and haven’t read it, let me know and i’ll share the google doc with you. Heck, if you never read the mail she sent to me in October 2012, i’ll share that little gem with you too. Everyone that’s read it- from friends, acquaintances and a psychologist all said, “She’s not well.” That’s putting it mildly. Feel free to read them both.
Back to what i was saying.
I’d never done anything so hard in my life but it had to be done. It took me weeks or months to write it and every time, every single time i brought it up, i cried like a little bitch.
In a way, and i’ll expand on this later, it was a learning experience and one that taught me that we wouldn’t have worked out in the long run for two major reasons. One is that one of my guiding principles is to do what’s right, no matter how hard it is. Hers, judging from her writing and her behaviors is to do what’s easy instead of what’s right.
The other reason is simple and one i’ll explain more eventually. It has to do with my guiding principle of, “You can never be better than the people you call your friends.” She has one, maybe two good solid friends but the rest are just pseudo intellectual white trash- something even her best friend recognized immediately.
Do you want to know what someone is made of? I mean, their core- their value and worth as a human? What do they/ you do when times are hard? What do you do when you say you love someone and what does someone else say and do when they claim to love you but there’s something insurmountable between you? It’s that moment, when you’re looking at the hardest thing in your life and you make that decision. Do you do what’s easy or what’s right? Do you do what’s right instead of what’s easy?
Either way, either response is important because it’s when times are tough, especially when it comes to love, that we reveal not only ourselves in our strength, our resolve, our commitment but more than anything else, we reveal the content of our character and whether we are adults or animals.
As an aside, it’s now been 2 years since i’ve as much as touched someone. I’ve had precisely 2 dates in that time and they ended with a hug… and only one of those was worth hugging. I’ve abandoned 2 decades of IT work and i live a few minutes from the border. And while i have yet to make any friends, i’m living where i want to spend the rest of my life. Friends will happen eventually but it’s difficult to make friends with my work schedule, which is a story for another time.
I’m ready to start dating but these things are for sure; i will NOT ignore my inner voice again as i did last time. If my intuition says “there’s something wrong with this one,” i’m not going to ignore it like i did with her. I will NOT lower my expectations and embrace coping strategies again. I will NOT let myself be coerced and bullied into untenable and destructive dynamics blindly again.
And I will most certainly never date another coward.
I will never be ashamed of myself again nor feel that i have to lower my expectations for the sake of loving someone and being loved in return.
Sadly, that’s just about the only good thing to have come from this breakup.