It’s one of those things that you think you’ll eventually get around to but years later, you still haven’t.

In my case, it’s a collection of files on old hard drives, optical drives, current hard drives but also Google Docs.

The rains have started in earnest here. Yesterday the amount of rainfall we had was staggering. It was the sort of perfectly dreary autumn day that justified not going anywhere and not doing anything.

And while today isn’t quite as wet as yesterday was, it’s still not a day that inspires much beyond wearing fuzzy sweat pants, listening to music and fighting the urge to nod off.

I was looking for something in my google docs which i found but that mild irritation of all of that clutter irritated me enough that i decided to open a few and see if they were worth keeping or not.

Oh boy. What a can of worms that turned out to be. Documents of jobs that i applied for, a tax issue that i spent years dealing with, letters to women that i either cannot remember or vaguely recall, notes to a former boss about a coworker who was a bully- an unfortunate dynamic that this boss did little to address until it was too late to remedy.

As an aside, women can be bullies too. I know it should go without saying but i failed to recognize that she was a bully at the time because one generally does not associate women with bullying behavior. In her case, she was a bit of a religious zealot and i’m convinced that she demanded the same sort of rigid, unquestionable obedience in others that her magic/ conjecture/ mythology/ religion demanded of her because she was living in denial that she was a gay woman.

There were documents cataloging a woman that tried to evict me from where i was living and when that failed, the things she did to try and intimidate me into moving such as running hot water when i was trying to shower. It’s one of those things that took so much out of me at the time and was compounded by that when i left the house, then i had to go deal with my bullying lesbian denying, religious zealot of a coworker.

As for that particular stain of white trash, i ended up putting a restraining order on her just minutes before she tried to do the same to me. She violated it twice and twice i called the Sheriffs of Clackamas County whereupon they hauled her off and into jail. Eventually i would be instrumental in having her evicted from the property.

While there is a bit of shadenfreude knowing that i destroyed the scam she ran on so many people, the truth is that it wasn’t worth it. If i had known what a greasy sack of shit she was before i moved into that house, i would have kept looking for another place to live. Still, i can only hope that she’s drunk herself into a coma by now or has managed to be arrested and locked away.

I also found some documents prior to, in the period of and in the aftermath of the breakup with the last woman i dated. You know, the white trash one that fooled me but not my friends.

No need to go on about that other than it still amazes me all of the coping strategies i used to maintain this illusion that somehow she was someone i was willing to spend my life with. The thought of that now just grosses me out but at the time… ugh.

One of the things that i rarely, rarely, rarely ever do is write hand written letters- but i do for someone that, i believe, deserves something more authentic and substantive than electrons bouncing off of a piece of glass.

I found the draft i’d made for a woman in Austin named Elizabeth. She was a coworker that i met at the now defunct works.com. I had moved back from San Francisco and was still an absolute emotional wreck after Michelle left me- still Elizabeth was charming, smart, witty, very attractive and i enjoyed chatting with her when i could. We went out once and she invited me to her apartment but this was also at a time when my apnea was in the process of destroying my life and i was so sleepy that i wasn’t sure i’d be able to make it home safely.

Eventually works.com all but vanished and all of us lost our jobs at some point or another. I moved to Portland and at some point Elizabeth got married.

But some years later, she got in touch with me although i have no recollection as to why- and she was single again. She followed me on instagram, twitter (i think), we were facebook friends and we chatted now and then.

I remember that i asked for her address and sat down and wrote a hand written letter. Reading the draft that i came across today, it was just a letter of appreciation. Nothing suggestive, nothing inappropriate or otherwise untoward; just a note saying how much i appreciated her at the time and that i was glad that we’d gotten back in touch.

A few weeks later, she unfollowed me on instagram and disconnected from me on facebook. She never said why and she most certainly never wrote me again.

There was the draft for a much, much longer and more personal note to a woman i used to know as Heather who has since changed her name. It was a full accounting of a lot of things and i know she received and appreciated it. And while she said she would eventually write me back, she never did.

And then there was the draft for a woman from my past that i mentioned in the 3 part entry i made earlier this year- The Disconnect. Nothing from her. I still have absolutely no idea why she got in touch with me in the first place because no one- and i mean NO ONE from my past ever contacts me because they miss me.

Going through all of those documents and the other things that i didn’t mention such as interviews, post interview letters and… Angie. Good grief- Dr. Angie.

It was several months after the breakup with the white trash ex back in 2012. A woman who was going through a doctoral program that i’d met via OK Cupid- Angie. We went out and good lord… i knew that night that i would have stayed in Oregon to be with her. She was attractive, smart, she thought i was attractive and she seemed to like me.

Unfortunately we went out in the spring when my allergies were in full swing. And in full disclosure, while i was doing far better, emotionally speaking at this time than i had been just a few months prior, i was still a bit of a wreck. I also hadn’t slept but a handful of hours in the previous three days.

But i liked her. Kind of really, really, really liked her. I remember texting her some days later and asking if i could see her again and her response was, “No. I don’t need any more friends.”

And to this day- more than 10 years later, i still think back to her and wonder what in the ever living fuck happened?

So today i deleted, deleted, deleted and then i deleted some more. I’d like to say that it was somewhat cathartic but the truth is that it stirred up an awful lot of bad memories, regrets (looking at you, Dr. Angie) and pain that i’d just as soon not have to acknowledge if i don’t have to.

Therein lies the minefield of cleaning house. Is it better to let the shit accumulate and have it be an itch that you never take the time to scratch or do you do what i did today and open the blinds and clean? I suppose the answer will be given in time but all of these things- the shitty fundie coworker, the unresponsive boss that failed to deal with the shitty fundie coworker, the shitty grifter that caused me more distress than any one person had the right to, the white trash ex and that silly, stupid breakup but perhaps most of all, the hand written notes that went unanswered and a woman that i could have easily have fallen in love with telling me that she “didn’t need another friend,” after having what i thought was a good date.

Well, it has been quite the roller coaster ride today.

Speaking of today: it’s a grey, wet day. I’m wearing a hoodie, my fuzzy sweatpants and am listening to some dub techno to bring some energy into my world. Going through those documents was more than i was prepared to be to deal with today and it’s left me feeling tired, a little sad and disappointed in myself for some of the utterly stupid shit i allowed myself to be drawn into (i’m looking at you, polyamory!) and that i’m disappointed in others.

Yeah, i’m a bit morose today. I’m a bit disappointed in myself and in others but i also managed to clean some of the clutter out of my life that i’ve been neglecting for the last ten years or more. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects, i suppose i can also see it as the progress i’ve made and that it’s okay to learn from the people that disappointed me or just let me down because i sure as hell deserve better.