{"id":475,"date":"2012-10-30T11:00:37","date_gmt":"2012-10-30T18:00:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/?p=475"},"modified":"2012-11-13T13:10:23","modified_gmt":"2012-11-13T20:10:23","slug":"carve","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/?p=475","title":{"rendered":"carve"},"content":{"rendered":"

It hurt so much today to not chat with you. I’ve lost my best friend and i don’t think either of us fully understand why. I kept staring at my computer screen waiting to see, “hello, sweetie” pop up and i kept wanting to ask how you slept and to tell you again that i wish i could be there to shower you with kisses and you would remind me how much better you sleep when i’m next to you. I’m not going to self-deprecate and say that maybe you don’t need that from me anymore. I think you do- i think you need that now more than ever. I know i do. Loving you made me a better person and while i won’t presume to speak for you, i believe your loving me has made you a better person too. <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I am back where i never wanted to be. My body moves without my knowledge, my bones float in a sea of disbelief. I am detached from the world around me.
\n
\nMy brain is on fire again and i cannot stop thinking. My dreams fling me into consciousness with no transition. I simply disappear from one reality to materialize into another. My thoughts slice through me as a million raindrops fall – each delivered by the whispers of unkept promises of lovers that are no more. When i was younger, i lived with this for many years and i fought so hard to control it. There were times when it took me to the edge of sanity and suicide- one of those times i put everything in order and was ready to do it. To my friends that might feel concern as you read this, i didn’t end it then and i will not end it now. This is my oath to you and to myself. <\/p>\n

For years, i have told myself and to others around me that i don’t understand why people are drawn to extreme pain. As someone that takes pride in being confident, self aware and honest, i am ashamed. I have lied. <\/p>\n

I do<\/strong> understand. <\/p>\n

I crave it myself. <\/p>\n

A razor streaking across my flesh, giving birth to a crimson vine. Flowers with pedals of dribbles and splatters blossom across my canvas. Cracks across my skin that leaves blisters, wheals and fissures. I have lied to myself for years and once more, i crave these things with an unrepentant and feral craving. <\/p>\n

My brain is on fire again. <\/p>\n

The rains are back, the winds are here. I am no longer tethered to reality, i am no longer afraid to be myself. <\/p>\n

I am awake.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I am writing this to my friends because where i am able to put my words here, i cannot find a way to explain them to you with my voice. I am writing you because just as you saw me shed the husk of nearly two decades of sleep apnea, you will now watch me as i allow myself to become someone that i’ve tried to ignore. <\/p>\n

I am going to do things that you may not understand. I ask that you trust me as i do what i need to do and please, please understand that i still have my core values of honesty, kindness, integrity and honor. Those are unshakable and unshakable because of the love and trust each of you have given me. <\/p>\n

This is not sexual and i am not repenting. There is no sin here. <\/p>\n

I am a confident man who was hurt by years of accusations that i was cruel and arrogant. I beat myself into submission because my drive to be kind and my hatred of being accused of being arrogant and cruel forced me to. But over the years, i allowed myself to believe that’s who i was. Worse yet, people mistook my shyness and my reticence as a lack of confidence. I am extremely confident. I have a huge amount of self love and respect but it has been easier and more desirable for me to be seen as a sheep instead of what i hid underneath. <\/p>\n

But i wore the skin for too long and i began to believe it really was me.<\/p>\n

It is now time to carve. <\/p>\n

I have been here before and i have endured. Each time has eroded and carved me into someone new and this time is no different. The last time i emerged as someone kinder, more willing to love and more desiring to be loved in return. I began to understand that monogamy is an intrinsically false premise and my heart is filled with so much passion and a drive to love that it hurts and overwhelms me at times. I also lost my fear of dancing during that time. <\/p>\n

I would not have been able to have spent the last four and a half years with Adelle were it not for those changes. <\/p>\n

As for Adelle, as much as i love and will continue to love her, i will stand in a field with a carrot or an apple in my hand for her as long as i my heart will endure, but at the same time, i love myself more. <\/p>\n

Now it is time to carve.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It hurt so much today to not chat with you. I’ve lost my best friend and i don’t think either of us fully understand why. I kept staring at my computer screen waiting to see, “hello, sweetie” pop up and i kept wanting to ask how you slept and to tell you again that i … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “carve”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-475","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/475","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=475"}],"version-history":[{"count":40,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/475\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":563,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/475\/revisions\/563"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=475"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=475"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=475"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}