{"id":615,"date":"2012-11-25T14:12:58","date_gmt":"2012-11-25T21:12:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/?p=615"},"modified":"2012-11-25T14:35:16","modified_gmt":"2012-11-25T21:35:16","slug":"615","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/?p=615","title":{"rendered":"trading one pain for another (or how i have gone from an XXL to an XL)"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’m sitting in the sauna in my gym. I can feel my heart rate is sustained at about 155 bpm and quite possibly higher. I am listening to the third movement of Low<\/a>– a symphony originally composed by David Bowie and Brian Eno. This version is rendered by Philip Glass and is one of the most beautiful things i have in my music collection. Drops of sweat are falling off me with like leaves in autumn. I am drinking water but it feels as though i am losing it at nearly the same rate.
\n
\nRewind. <\/p>\n

I am back at the gym. I started going back about three or four weeks ago. I don’t like the gym, per se, but the way i see it, it’s a specific set of tools that i can use to achieve specific results. In my recent trips to the Red Cross, my basic readings have been creeping upward- the inevitable price that neglect and bad diet force all of us to pay. <\/p>\n

My bill has come due and it’s now time to replace one pain with another. <\/p>\n

In years past, i spent 30 minutes on the treadmill walking at a decent clip with a slight incline. I would do some core exercises and maybe a few reps of weights and, time permitting, some time in the sauna. The sauna. The special place where i learn to find new and exciting ways to be disappointed in humanity. <\/p>\n

A couple of weeks ago, i dared myself to run for a few minutes. So i ran. I went for 10 minutes i think. I hadn’t run for 10 minutes for no apparent reason since i was in my 20’s. Two days later i upped it to 15 minutes. Then the last time and then again today, i went for 20 minutes. <\/p>\n

I do not like running. I don’t even like lifting weights. I do it because i focus on the way i feel afterward. I do it because i know my family genetics and i will not be some goddamned “victim” that bitches and resigns himself to a life of lethargy because, “That’s just the way my biology is.” <\/p>\n

I do it because i fucking DARE myself to do it. A little bit of self inflicted contempt; a touch of malice for allowing myself to have become complacent. I am not a competitive person with anyone but me, so sometimes daring and challenging myself to be more tomorrow than i am today is what i need. As sure as can be, no one else is going to challenge me so it has to come from within. <\/p>\n

I almost didn’t make it today. At fifteen minutes, i am a mess. My heart is sustained at 171 bpm and on one occasion, i have pushed myself to 200 bpm for two minutes. I hurt in ways i haven’t hurt in decades but i have five minutes to go.<\/p>\n

I fucking DARE myself to keep going. Sweat is falling into my eyes and my heart is redlining. <\/p>\n

When it’s done and after i cool down, i am wobbly. I have trouble getting off of the treadmill and as i walk towards the stairs, i feel like i am no longer in my own body. My bones are floating within me, my mind is incapable of thought. Everything that i have left in me is to manage to get down the stainless steel staircase without losing my footing. If i slip there, i will not be able to stop my head from cracking against the edge of the stairs. Steel is many things but forgiving is not one of them. <\/p>\n

And then there’s the sauna. I know there aren’t a lot of health benefits to being in the sauna compared to say, weight lifting and aerobics but it’s yet another type of pain that i need. My heart rate picks up the tempo; sweat pours out of me with regularity. I keep drinking water but it’s falling out of me almost as fast. By the time i am done, the world is beginning to fade and brighten at the same time. I’m close to passing out again. <\/p>\n

I do not care. <\/p>\n

The tile stings my feet as i try to stay in control of my muscles, the metal of the handle burns my palm as i push it open. I enjoy both types of pain and if i weren’t so close to losing consciousness, i would gladly endure more of both. <\/p>\n

I’ve been out of the gym for an hour or so now. My muscles are still quivering, my co-ordination is still shot. On the other hand, i have already dropped one shirt size and i can feel the change in my heart. I cannot afford to let my family genetics; a propensity towards obesity and even alcohol, to be a part of my life. There is nothing good that can come of that. I have to be better, stronger and more determined and for now, i am if for no reason other than i just fucking dare me to be. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m sitting in the sauna in my gym. I can feel my heart rate is sustained at about 155 bpm and quite possibly higher. I am listening to the third movement of Low– a symphony originally composed by David Bowie and Brian Eno. This version is rendered by Philip Glass and is one of the … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “trading one pain for another (or how i have gone from an XXL to an XL)”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-615","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/615","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=615"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/615\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":622,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/615\/revisions\/622"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=615"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=615"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/synaesthetic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=615"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}