Category: aftermath

I will work on identifying and discussing instances where I feel a boundary or expectation has been broken in a timely and constructive manner.

I will not use coping strategies that erode my self respect nor the respect or trust I have for my girlfriend(s)

I will work on not letting the pain and heartbreak in my past define who I am.

I will work on being more aware of happiness in my life and showing it.

I will work on finding my brightness that I usually have and making sure it is something people immediately see in me.

When I have been hurt, especially if I’ve been bullied by someone I love, I will not respond with indifference nor deliberate cruelty. I will seek to find the cause of their hurt first and see what can be done to heal it and i expect her to be mature/ developed/ self actualized enough to do the same.

I will work to address why i have a disproportionate appreciation for women and stop deifying them.

I have absolutely amazing friends. The brightness i give to the world is the brightness they have taught and shared with me.

I will not disqualify someone from dating if they have survived abuse and/or neglect. BUT if they have not fully dealt with that injury, i will not become involved with them.

I will continue to salvage my dignity and objectivity.

I will find my confidence again.

I will shine again.

I continue to pull the emotional shrapnel out of the wounds that were given to me. It’s an ongoing process but i am amazed at the amount of healing i have done since my world came apart at the seams in late October. Well, truth be told, it came apart on the 3rd of October but that’s a story for another post.

To everyone that knows my story and to everyone that has read the emails sent to me (3 Oct. & 25 Dec., last year) and seen the picture posted that someone else took of them next to the pictures i had taken (which illustrated what i was thought of and the role i was to play in her world as well as the role that her other lover was to play that i was deliberately excluded from and kept ignorant of).
Continue reading “aftermath | perspective, things that i am worthy of”

I have lost my best friend.

It’s the one phrase that echos through my day and evenings. It is the endless chorus whose words i understand but whose meaning i do not.

I keep expecting to see windows pop up in my gmail. “Good morning, love,” “hi sweetie” or me asking how she slept- which was always responded to with, “not as well as when you’re here.” My mind floats at the surface of disbelief, occasionally bobbing to take in a moment of reality before drowning again. It is the moment after a trauma where i keep believing things will snap back into place. It’s not being able to come to grips with someone that was so fundamentally beautiful and kind then within the course of 48 hours, became cruel beyond measure.

I have lost my best friend.
Continue reading “aftermath | longing”