Month: November 2012

I’m sitting in the sauna in my gym. I can feel my heart rate is sustained at about 155 bpm and quite possibly higher. I am listening to the third movement of Low– a symphony originally composed by David Bowie and Brian Eno. This version is rendered by Philip Glass and is one of the most beautiful things i have in my music collection. Drops of sweat are falling off me with like leaves in autumn. I am drinking water but it feels as though i am losing it at nearly the same rate.
Continue reading “trading one pain for another (or how i have gone from an XXL to an XL)”

A few minutes ago, OKCupid had a question about how i feel about “Gay Marriage.”

I find the phrase repulsive. It’s marriage- period.

Marriage is a legally binding contract that describes, among other things, rights of shared ownership and property. It is not a license/ contract that is contingent on mutual love, it is not a contract that is issued based on the ability of others to breed.
Continue reading “on gay marriage”

Today is Thanksgiving. Today is difficult.

I was so sure that i’d finally found someone that wanted to go the distance; to spend their life with me. She was someone that i was so sure i’d be with to watch her hair turn to silver, whose kiss i would receive every night, whose smile would be one of the first things i would see in the morning.

I’m working in the kitchen today and although there are nearly a dozen people around me, there is no one else.

I am trying to focus on my friends- on the people that have known me for many years and many changes and understand the commitment of friendship. I will be seeing them soon.

But today i am without someone that i believed was my closest and dearest friend for the better part of five years. Her violent departure and continued absence is… it is difficult for me today.

As most of you now know, Adelle and i are no longer together.

The aftermath has been difficult but sobering. My friends have helped me gain perspective— a perspective that i was missing because:

• It was Adelle who was my closest friend, lover and someone that just a few weeks ago, said she wanted to be Mrs. Adelle Tumbleson.
• She had hurt me tremendously with a cruel, cruel e-mail that she’d sent weeks before. But me being me, i (very stupidly), thought the demands she made in this mail- that we change our relationship from a couple looking to get married to being friends-with-benefits (there were other assaults and absolute demands that made it clear i no longer had a right to discuss any aspect of our relationship), that they had been said as moments-of-passion type things. I was wrong. My drive to seek understanding and to forgive her was deeply misplaced and as a result, i was unable to see the situation objectively.

Since then, i’ve had several conversations with friends, acquaintances and even strangers alike about a few subjects; communication and honesty being one of them.
Continue reading “aftermath | communication and honesty”

Dear all,

As some of you know and many of you do not, there have been some violent changes in my life. I am taking advantage of this time to make some of my own, internal changes, too.

I’m going to make some announcements about another life that i’ve kept mostly secret for some time. This involves a philosophy that humans are intrinsically capable of love and expressing that love in ways that are more in line with human nature. It is a philosophy that rejects societal expectations and other false constructs… constructs that i believe were created and are maintained as a means to control women for the most part.

As i discuss these things, there are two key aspects i ask you to keep in mind.

These are my observations and beliefs only. I am not trying to “convert” or preach at anyone. I find evangelism to be morally and ethically repulsive.

I am not open to nor interested in hearing that my ideas are wrong, immoral or that i’m going to a mythological place called, “hell”. They are not and i am not.

More to come.