Month: July 2013

PREFACE: This note is no longer offered to the person it was intended for. The string of notes she sent me in July revealed the content of her character and, ironically, was the last push i needed to realize that i’d rather be a man that dated and loved women than to have her in my life. I am opening this post again so someone i know can read the string of notes she sent me in July and have a better understanding of what my responses to my ex was.

I do not know that you will ever read this but i suspect at some point you’ll stop by although i do not know why.

I do not know why you wrote me Sunday morning. After seven months of silence and after you, in no uncertain terms, said that you saw no place for me in your future (and by doing so, severing our friendship and categorically dismissing all that we had been for four and a half years), you write me out of the blue.

I have no idea why you wrote me. My friends think it was just to beat me up some more. My counselor had other ideas in addition to a need to beat me up. He was not impressed with what you wrote (as usual,  i asked him to read your unedited notes and my responses- also unedited) and no one has been happy knowing that i wrote you back. “Nothing good can come of this,” they say. They say other things too.

Right now, i am ignoring them. I could not explain why if i tried but i believe you’re the only person that can understand.

So why did i write back?

Because of the things i know about human nature, i know that contradictions are mysteries within ourselves that we have not resolved yet. I am conflicted about you. You are conflicted about me. But one thing stands out- we seem to still care for… and perhaps love one another.

I also wrote back because, in writing me, you made yourself vulnerable. And as i said, i could have ripped into you with a fury you have never known me capable of. The problem with that is that when you say or do something like that, you can never take it back. Perhaps you will consider this should you ever be inclined to contact me again. As an aside, do you even read what you write before you send it? Do you ever go back and look at what you’ve said?

I needed to respond in a way that was honest, insightful, serious but with some levity to remind you of the person you once knew.

Speaking of vulnerability, things like this do not just come to me naturally. This was an aspect of me that had not surfaced for fifteen years. It did not happen overnight- it took MONTHS and it happened because of the growing isolation and abandonment i felt for the reasons that i pointed out in my response. Please do not believe you didn’t change. You did.

I could go a lot of directions with this. I could go a lot of very negative directions with this and be justified. I’ve decided, instead, to reiterate with part of what i told you already. It’s a list that i’ll add a few things to now and in the future.

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Things I Miss About You.

I miss your voice. I can’t believe i never told you what a nice voice you had until you asked me. I’m sorry for that.

I miss your beautiful hands.

I miss your smile.

I miss your smell.

I miss how beautiful you are.

I miss working in the kitchen with you and knowing when to leave you alone.

I miss your cooking.

I miss cooking for you.

I miss trading scratchies.

I miss trading pullies.

I miss giving you pushies.

I miss feeding geese with you.

I miss repeating silly quotes from Dune at inappropriate moments.

I miss that i could get excited about seeing “bun-buns” and that you liked that about me.

I miss teasing you about making me a turkey pot pie.

I miss teasing you about moose. *

I miss teasing you, period.

I miss our dynamic- that you were the intelligent one and i was the smart one.

I miss that you were the dreamer and i was the pragmatist.

I miss combing your hair and i am sorry i fell out of that habit.

I actually miss driving to see you- the rituals i had before leaving- of packing, the rhythm of the drive up there, the music that i would listen to and that last stretch of a few miles where i would let you know i was close and either you’d have something ready to eat when i arrived or we’d go out.

I do not nor will i ever miss the heartbreak i (perhaps “we”) went through on our last day together.

I miss that we could sit in the same room and totally be comfortable with one another. Reading, playing games, watching movies; it didn’t matter. I just liked being near you.

I miss sitting outside while you roasted coffee and helping you when you needed it. *

I miss feeling you press your hand on my back at night.

I miss being able to reach out and touch you.

I miss waking up and seeing you and your smile. I thought that was something that would last a lifetime.

I miss going and getting coffee with you and sometimes having you watch me doodle and even critique me at times. *

I miss looking at books with you. *

I miss going to Jays farmstand with you. *

I liked being seen in public with you.

I enjoyed having your arm in mine.

I enjoyed opening doors for you even though you used to be suspicious of me because of that.

I miss driving and being able to rest my hand on your thigh and i miss being able to reach out and rest my hand on your shoulder if you were driving.

I miss winding you up either in public or private and then making you go out in public. *

I miss your building silly things for me in Minecraft.

I miss hiding stickers of bugs and bees that i’d drawn for you to find after i was gone.

I miss moments like helping you learn to change your tire in a way that was entirely you.

I miss buying you vegetable peelers and pretending like I didn’t remember ever buying and giving you the previous two or three. *

I miss lifting you to pop your back and having you turn to liquid in my arms afterward. I never let you fall.

I miss the person that took me to the emergency room and held my hand when i was in agonizing pain.

I miss picking you up at work, going to Winco and then eating lunch at the Lesbian Duck Lake. (This is a small lake in Olympia that appears to be entirely inhabited by duck hens)

I miss sending you silly pictures.

I miss making you laugh.

I remember a night when we had overindulged and i stayed with you to make sure you were okay. That meant a lot to me.

I miss that we were once genuinely kind to one another.

I miss your company.

I miss a few things we did in our private moments; one that i have shared with you and you only in particular.

I miss your friendship.

I miss you as a lover.

I miss that you were one of the very few (less than five) women i have known where those two were firmly integrated into one another. I wanted it to last a lifetime.

I miss that i never had to wear armor when i was with you.

* added after recording
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You wrote me out of the blue after telling me i had no place in your life or your future. I can’t believe that you did so solely for the purpose of hurting me. Maybe i’m wrong, but if i’m right, i hope you will consider what i proposed in my response with the seriousness- and the sincerity- that i meant it.

I do not drink much. In the last four or so months, i’ve had two pints of beer and i tried to have a shot of rye just to see what rye was like. I got half way through it. I think it’s pretty safe to say that i am not a whiskey drinker.

Right now i have a significant buzz on. On the one hand, i’m tempted to admit a couple of things that i need to. One is a personal realization and one is holding myself accountable for a very bad judgment of mine that i have been recently reminded of. Despite what an incredible asshole i can be at times, i will assume responsibility and make apologies and/or amends when i fuck up.

But right now with this much vodka in me, going down that road is probably a profoundly bad idea.

Tonight i have been drinking because of our newest roommate. Four days ago he brought a friend home. Okay, i thought. No big deal. We all have needs. She struck me as kind of odd but i wasn’t around her much. I’m a pretty private guy and they spent most of their time in his room.

But come yesterday morning, the THIRD DAY she was here, i wake up to the sound of someone talking outside of my sliding glass door. I cracked open my eyes to this person having a full blown conversation with NOBODY. I think she may have been trying to coax one of the cats to her. Nonetheless, it was the sort of conversation where she seemed to actually be expecting (and perhaps she was receiving) a response. It was also weird in that it seemed she was having a conversation with a child. Anyone beyond the age of 14 or so that has that weird, purely emotional attachment to animals is not well.

I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt that she was actually trying to talk to one of the cats. I have no proof of this.

I do not tolerate alcoholics/ drug addicts or crazy people. If i could or would, i’d be in the counseling business. It’s not that i don’t have compassion but i do not nor will i tolerate them living under my roof. Period.

I asked him to send her home yesterday. He says, “okay,” and i assume that’s the end of that. But then she’s here this morning and i realize something: She’s a full blown schizophrenic. Now, i don’t want to seem like i’m being frivolous or cavalier in that evaluation so let me say it again: She is a DSM-V qualified psychotic with schizophrenia. Every time i see her alone, usually outside smoking, she is having full conversations with no one but herself and her magical, invisible moon people.

And then she’s here again this morning and i have a trigger event. And then i figure something out: he picked this woman up off of the streets. She is HOMELESS AND SCHIZOPHRENIC.

I explain to my new roommate that she is to leave immediately and there will be no negotiating. So finally he leaves with her. But before he leaves, he tells me how he hoped he’d be able to help her and give her a place to live. I stayed silent but my inner voice is screaming, “ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?!?” . He wasn’t.

So he realized i wasn’t fucking about and he left with her. You can see the picture here. I’ve blurred his face. Initially he said he’d just stay with her in his truck down the driveway. I IMMEDIATELY said that was unacceptable.

By this point, my stress is stratospheric. I cannot believe the absolute and profound stupidity and bad judgment of this person. I can feel both my diastolic and systolic increasing to unacceptable levels. It’s everything i can do to not snap.

This was around noon. He stopped by a few hours ago saying he still had not found a place for her to go. My fear is he’s not entirely well himself and he’s going to try and bring her back when he believes i’ve gone to bed. In fact, if i could put money on it, i would.

I have a lot of reasons to drink right now but my contempt for crazy and the flagrant disregard for any fucking common sense by this guy (and he’s older than me) is beyond anything i can cope with. I swear that if he shows up with her again, i will call the deputies because if i don’t, i’m likely to just fucking lose it.

Vodka and cranberry, come to daddy.