why i am drinking right now

I do not drink much. In the last four or so months, i’ve had two pints of beer and i tried to have a shot of rye just to see what rye was like. I got half way through it. I think it’s pretty safe to say that i am not a whiskey drinker.

Right now i have a significant buzz on. On the one hand, i’m tempted to admit a couple of things that i need to. One is a personal realization and one is holding myself accountable for a very bad judgment of mine that i have been recently reminded of. Despite what an incredible asshole i can be at times, i will assume responsibility and make apologies and/or amends when i fuck up.

But right now with this much vodka in me, going down that road is probably a profoundly bad idea.

Tonight i have been drinking because of our newest roommate. Four days ago he brought a friend home. Okay, i thought. No big deal. We all have needs. She struck me as kind of odd but i wasn’t around her much. I’m a pretty private guy and they spent most of their time in his room.

But come yesterday morning, the THIRD DAY she was here, i wake up to the sound of someone talking outside of my sliding glass door. I cracked open my eyes to this person having a full blown conversation with NOBODY. I think she may have been trying to coax one of the cats to her. Nonetheless, it was the sort of conversation where she seemed to actually be expecting (and perhaps she was receiving) a response. It was also weird in that it seemed she was having a conversation with a child. Anyone beyond the age of 14 or so that has that weird, purely emotional attachment to animals is not well.

I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt that she was actually trying to talk to one of the cats. I have no proof of this.

I do not tolerate alcoholics/ drug addicts or crazy people. If i could or would, i’d be in the counseling business. It’s not that i don’t have compassion but i do not nor will i tolerate them living under my roof. Period.

I asked him to send her home yesterday. He says, “okay,” and i assume that’s the end of that. But then she’s here this morning and i realize something: She’s a full blown schizophrenic. Now, i don’t want to seem like i’m being frivolous or cavalier in that evaluation so let me say it again: She is a DSM-V qualified psychotic with schizophrenia. Every time i see her alone, usually outside smoking, she is having full conversations with no one but herself and her magical, invisible moon people.

And then she’s here again this morning and i have a trigger event. And then i figure something out: he picked this woman up off of the streets. She is HOMELESS AND SCHIZOPHRENIC.

I explain to my new roommate that she is to leave immediately and there will be no negotiating. So finally he leaves with her. But before he leaves, he tells me how he hoped he’d be able to help her and give her a place to live. I stayed silent but my inner voice is screaming, “ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?!?” . He wasn’t.

So he realized i wasn’t fucking about and he left with her. You can see the picture here. I’ve blurred his face. Initially he said he’d just stay with her in his truck down the driveway. I IMMEDIATELY said that was unacceptable.

By this point, my stress is stratospheric. I cannot believe the absolute and profound stupidity and bad judgment of this person. I can feel both my diastolic and systolic increasing to unacceptable levels. It’s everything i can do to not snap.

This was around noon. He stopped by a few hours ago saying he still had not found a place for her to go. My fear is he’s not entirely well himself and he’s going to try and bring her back when he believes i’ve gone to bed. In fact, if i could put money on it, i would.

I have a lot of reasons to drink right now but my contempt for crazy and the flagrant disregard for any fucking common sense by this guy (and he’s older than me) is beyond anything i can cope with. I swear that if he shows up with her again, i will call the deputies because if i don’t, i’m likely to just fucking lose it.

Vodka and cranberry, come to daddy.