How trashy (and sad)

I have a profile on OKCupid. It’s… well, it’s free and you get what you pay for.

A few days ago I was playing around on it, using a feature I hadn’t used before. Of course, my ex shows up. There was the pic she used before we met, which had been taken years before and there were at least two that I’d taken of her. To be completely honest, they were really good pictures because I know a thing or two about lighting and composition and because… frankly, because I was able to bring it out in her.

Rewind to the breakup. Seven months after she dropped off my items at a friends house (she was too much of a chickenshit to bring it to where I lived and just leave it at the gate), I finally had the courage to open the box. Among the things that I found was a box with the memory sticks and cards I’d given her. I have a pic of this but can’t find it now. They were filled with pix and images that we’d taken of each other and that we had taken of us. She gave them back- although not quite in the state they were when I’d given them to her. They were each shattered in a fit of rage and left with my stuff to hurt me.

The funny thing is, by the time i found them, my reaction wasn’t one of hurt, it was the first time that i began to pity her and it was when i began to realize that she never loved me nor was capable of love in the first place. I’m going to have to bring that up in another post relatively soon because… well, it’s tough. It’s a cold and hard realization i’ve had to come to.

Back to the topic at hand. Here it is, what? More than three years after she betrayed our friendship and relationship and she is still using the pictures that i took of her on the singles site where we met- pictures that she destroyed on the thumbdrives that i made for her. It would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic.

Actually it IS funny, just in a pathetic way.

Speaking of pathetic, but probably not so funny, is how i would eventually find out that the person that became her master had systematically and deliberately taken control and persuasion of her (they entered into a Master/ slave dynamic and didn’t think it was worth sharing with me. I would find out eventually by a picture she posted on another site of her on her knees, his cock in her hand, staring at the camera with this black tar heroin gaze with the caption, “Subspace is my happy place”). I would learn from someone else that he’d disclosed to her that my ex needed to be around others that were, “more enlightened” and “more open minded”. He had deliberately dropped her into subspace, knowing how susceptible submissives are to suggestion and influence when in that state.

I thought about mailing her a copy of that conversation but yaknow, it’s not like she can do any better, so why bother?

When i saw those pictures, taken by me during some of the best days of our relationship and seeing that she’s using them to attract lovers on OKCupid these days, it just made me realize it’s yet another example of just how trashy she is. The one image that looked recent… oh boy. I don’t think there’s anything i could have done even with the best of lighting. She does NOT look good. I can definitely see why she’s using the pix i took of her years ago.

I have never known anyone to be so deeply mired in delusion, self deception and absolute tortured logic. There’s a part inside of her that she has bottled up and tried to forget but she knows that she single handedly destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to her. I think she’s also consumed with shame that she tries to masquerade as being, “sex positive” and “self actualization”. Sorry but no, it turns out that if you tell your partner that you’re going to rut and fuck anyone that you want and if they don’t want to know, they’re not to ask, that’s not love. That’s violence, arrogance, cruelty and just part of being a coward. And somewhere inside of her, she knows that and will do anything to hide it from herself.