let the beast run free

From the previous version of synaesthetic.com:

I haven’t ranted for a while. Tonight that ends.

Top of the list is one that i actually did rant about some time ago- the guy at the gym who decided that it was acceptable to stand at the sink nude and shave himself. I thought i had it somewhere but i don’t. Oh well, basically i was getting dressed after working out. I look up and see this guy in the sink area. His hairy back and ass is facing me as he’s pressing his nasty ass crotch against the counters edge. Well, goodie for you, sport. I just can’t tell you how happy i am that you’ve finally taken it upon yourself to show the entire world that you have found a special place to press your nasty ass tallywhacker that doesn’t try to claw your eyeballs out. No, seriously… goody for you. I just want the entire fucking world to know how happy i am that you’re so delicate and care free that we just admire you and your hairy back and ass as you gingerly go and press your dick upon even more common area surfaces than the sinks edge. I want you to be my special friend. Just think of all the fun we could have going around town, dropping our pants and grinding our fucking gonads on unsuspecting surfaces… parking meters, meter maids, fresh fruit, manhole covers, escalator railings, railroad cars, NASCAR fans, etc…

And we can’t forget my other 24 Hour Fitness friend !! Like you, my hairy backed, counter fucking friend, he too has found a new and special place in the sink area. Yes, as i was once again trying to get dressed, i looked up to see special friend number 2 standing with his shorts on. He’s stretching the elastic band out and pressed against the wall. His hand is disappeared into his crotchable area. It took me a second to realize he was “fluffing his pubes” by having the hand dryer blow air into his pants while he teased his special little hairy cloud. Oh golly- i can just see it now- Special Friend Number 2 goes home to his svelte, chiseled husband who is just giddy as his Fluffy Pubic Cloud Boy shows off his special little treasure. They spend the night watching Doris Day movies, playing Bronski Beat vinyl while jerking each other off with surgical gloves.

Let’s not forget my other special little treasure. This one takes shape in the form of either a man or a woman, but usually a man. They find me when i’m trying to relax in a sauna or steambath. It’s easy to identify them by the fact that somewhere in their training, someone told them it’s okay to bring a sweatsuit into the sauna. They come in and start doing calisthenics for no goddamned apparent reason. No one has a gun on them, they’re not in a bet, they just have this bizarre urge to fuck up everyone else’s time and make a total ass of themselves in the process. Do you fucktards actually believe you’re doing yourself any favors by showing all of us how you can do jumping jacks in the goddamned sauna?

What is WRONG with you special fucks?

Now… when i go have coffee, it’s because i want to sit somewhere and read, drink coffee and mind my business. As i’m known to do, i go downtown to Borders to drink a cup of average joe (as a side, fuck you Borders- nothing was wrong with having Peet’s and now we’re stuck with Starbucks mediocre, over roasted shit- and for those of you about to get snippy with me, Seattle’s Best is actually Starbucks). Aside from the bat shit crazy fuck whose come in and with a voice that can only be described as a cross between a lifetime of smoking 5 packs of Chesterfield kings per day and the delicate timber one gains from gargling fiberglass shavings. He comes in and being disappointed with the fact that we’re not all staring at him, goes on to proclaim, “I NEED A CHEESEBURGER”. He does this for 5 or so minutes and gets increasingly louder until myself and another guy tell him to shut up. Oh god… that just gave him and his special tin foil hat friends even more license to be even more obnoxious. I finally tell him he can go have his goddamned cheeseburger but he’d first have to leave the bookstore and go get it. He turns to me and as he’s about to say something i couldn’t give a shit about, i just cut him off, “I do not care what you’re about to say." He gets ready for a retort to me. I inform him: "THIS ISN’T A CONVERSATION, SPORT.” He decides to not press the issue.

I have seen some seriously impaired people who really struggle with mental illness. I’m sure this guy has issues that need addressing but the fact that he was able to articulate that he wanted a cheeseburger to anyone who would listen, even if it was in a store that primarily sells books and the fact he was able to spend another 10 or so minutes screaming that he wanted a kleenex means he was pretty much in control of himself. This guy could take care of himself if he wanted to- but he’s a rebel… without a cheeseburger.

But Cap’n Cheeseburger isn’t the most obnoxious fuck i have to deal with as i’m trying to drink coffee- no, that special award goes to the self centered, shallow, inbred, socially retarded, backward ass twat on her cell phone as she answers it to talk to her special party friends so fucking loud that no one could possibly concentrate on anything they were doing because this pig fucking bimbo has no manners. We all learned what her evening plans were (partying at a bar) and got an ear full of much MENSA phrases like, “NO WAY!” and “Totally!”. Move over Spicolli. When she finally said her goodbyes, 10 minutes later- and no i am not exaggerating, i made sure to parrot it back to her- in a snide tone. Either she decided to not look up or she was
oblivious to everyone being annoyed with her. I’m thinking it was the latter.

I work with children. They’re immature. They’re supposed to be immature- that’s why they’re children. Hopefully what i do helps make a few of them more mindful and thoughtful about what they do… and don’t. But when i see an adult doing seriously stupid, socially retarded shit like sitting on a bench at the gym without putting a towel down, or some idiot trying to do exercises in the steambath or sauna when the rest of us are trying to relax or some goddamned braindead narcissistic fruitcake drying his pubes with the public hairdryer, i get mad. I just don’t understand how someone can be so self centered and profoundly inconsiderate of anyone else. For my part, i am no longer silent towards these fucks and i will embarrass them any time they make jackasses of themselves.

Finally… i’m watching Smallville on CW (CBS/ Warner). They have shows like One Tree Hill and some Gossip Whore show long with “reality” shows like this mom/ daughter thing and that nasty ass Tyra Banks’ America’s Top Model shit (oh God… that show has girls who are so fucking nasty that they could be Victoria’s Secret models- the best place to find horsefaced, nasty ass models who’d look better in the pages of Juggs or an Earl Miller porno). Anyway, how fucking stupid does one have to be to watch any of that shit? Seriously… how FUCKING STUPID?

I’ve got plenty of java and Chesterfield kings…