Just to remind myself, this is why i’m going to the gym so much these days:

• I began this to trade one pain for another. I was going to cause serious harm to myself if i didn’t.
• I DO NOT get the “right” to use, “it’s in my genetics,” as a defense. A propensity towards obesity is one thing but a propensity is not the same as an inescapable destiny.
• I am tired of the distorted sense of self worth i have based on my shape. It’s not the only facet but it’s a tangible facet that i can change.
• I had a growing contempt for my sedentary lifestyle. It was costing me my self respect.
• I am tired of feeling my heart going off on me like a jackhammer when i barely exert myself.
• Because it’s the right thing to do.

In the time since i last wrote about this, i had finally hit my 30 minute mark. Since then, i’ve repeated that about three or four times. Last night was a bit different. Usually when i hit the 20 minute mark, i’m hurting but okay. At 25 minutes, i’m really questioning if i can make it to 30.

Last night i hit 25 minutes and i knew i’d be able to hit 30 “easy”. I put easy in quotes because it’s not easy. Fuck no. Not even close. I mean, i’m overweight and “running” for a half hour. No, it’s not easy. But last night was the difference between hitting 25 minutes and forcing myself to keep going and then last night, hitting 25 minutes and just going because i could.

I could and so i did. And i earned every fucking step i took.

So no, i’m not happy with what the scales have to say about me but i continue to eat fish and vegetables and have limited my intake of poultry/ beef/ pork to less than one pound a week (and usually less than half of that). I’m drinking almond milk these days instead of dairy milk, too. I have to say, someone showed me a resource for raw milk sellers and it turns out there may be two dairy farms in my area that are selling jersey made raw milk (grass diet), so i may try that for a bit just to see what i think of it. I’ll never give up my cheeses but if i can make a few small changes here and there, it adds up to much larger changes in the long run.

The long run. I guess that’s what this is about. Changes. Self image. Self respect. Dignity. Health.

There’s a lot on my mind these days. Recent discussions about some of my failings, an acknowledgement of my darker side- my “shadow” that someone deliberately provoked and brought out of me and how i move forward from here. I’ll be posting more later.

addendum: last night i had a meeting in Vancouver. Since it didn’t begin until 7, i decided to go to the gym instead. I really didn’t think too much of it but thought i’d go ahead and try to run. Normally i wouldn’t do this since my previous experiences have taught me that the ADP (is it ADP?) in my muscles isn’t recovered enough to run two days in a row. Guess what? I did it. Two nights in a row, 30 minutes each. In fact, last night was 32 minutes and the last minute of that was deliberately running faster. My heart rate peaked at 160 bpm which is great since the last time i pushed myself like that, it was 200. Three minutes after slowing down my bpm was at 130. Not bad. Not bad at all.