This goes out to the three hyenas that were a paltry 12 feet away from my girlfriend and me as we tried enjoying some coffee and reading time at the Borders in Gresham this Saturday.

Dear ladies, i just wanted to let you know how much i appreciated having my ability to read and the conversations i tried having with my girlfriend interrupted by your absolutely insane, banal, DSM-IV quality fundamentalist ramblings. Yes, i’m genuinely sorry that you know someone who is having a drinking problem, but i want to gently contradict your analysis that the cause is, as you put it, “Satan, who hates all souls” forcing him to drink. I’d like to offer another, more plausible, explanation.

You see, your friend drinks because he probably has to put up with your fundamentalist, insane, divorced-from-reality proclamations, snake-handling insane bullshit. Add to this, the fact that apparently you cannot make any sort of conversation without using a volume that can only be described as being designed to force you and your idiotic beliefs onto anyone that might be in the same hemisphere with you.

I tried being subtle. I tried giving you a few glances to let you know for all intensive purposes, you basically made us and the other patrons part of your banal delusions. At first i thought this a result of bad manners but after we made eye contact enough times that you could have given me a venereal disease, i realized you were fully aware of the volume and quantity of crazy that you were spewing. I then had to realize your talk about this god of yours, Satan, that you apparently spend a lot of time thinking about and obsessing over, was actually designed to help you believe your own snake-handling bullshit.

You see, you’re like Ted Haggard or Larry Craig [perhaps minus all the dick cravings they have, but perhaps not- that’s not really an area i want to explore, ever] in that you’re doing your best to convince yourself you actually believe your own insanity by trying to force others to be a part of it.

Stop it. Just fucking stop it you backward ass, anti-intellectual, snake-handling, fundamentalist fireship [a slightly obscure word that means “diseased whore”]. I’m from the south; i grew up with luddites like you. You wrap yourself in the flag, you believe using guns is a theological directive, you blame all that’s bad in your life in this fantasy that “satan” forced you to do something. Then you reaffirm your righteousness by being judgmental, sanctimonious, nationalistic and jingoistic.

If you want to live in a fundamentalist country where everyone wants to hear your insane ramblings, do us all a favor and move to Saudi Arabia or Iran. If that’s too much to ask, try to join the rest of us by showing some basic manners that the rest of us mastered when we were 15 or so.