Updated 30 mar 25.
Some years ago a man that worked where I worked died of complications onset by the covid 19 virus. There were hundreds of people at his memorial and of those, a handful of us that gamed with him. I didn’t know Eddie well but i’d helped him several times (i’m a desktop support monkey in a heavy, industrial environment) and of the two LAN parties that Barbara hosted, Eddie was there both times.
Barbara and her husband, Cody, was there for Eddie’s memorial. I was a bit shocked at just how few of us from work were there because he was deeply loved by many where we worked.
It was an early autumn day- the kind of day where the sky bellowed with chunks of white and grey. It was one of those days where the sun shone between those chunks and the rain fell as it does that time of year- in fits and sometimes as a drizzle, sometimes as actual rain.
I remember standing outside in the rain that day. I felt the sunlight for what would be one of the last times before the sun would cease being warm for many months and the winter rains began in earnest. Between the sunlight and the rain, the changing of the seasons and the breeze, i remember standing outside and turning to someone, possibly Barb, telling them, “This is a good day to remember a life.”
Two years ago or less Barb quit coming to work. As these things go, i figured she was working from home. In the evenings, i’d see her on Steam playing AdVenture Capitalist or AdVenture Communist- both what are called “idle/ clicker games”. She’d had her 2nd child a couple of years before and there was no reason for Barb to work onsite because her role had changed from engineering to something engineering adjacent.
It wasn’t until months later that someone told me that Barb was out because she’d been diagnosed with cancer.
Glioblastoma.
Of all of the diseases… please, not that one. Not glioblastoma, pancreatic cancer or a metastasized breast tumor or melanoma. But please, please, please… not brain cancer.
I was torn. Absolutely torn over this. Part of it was personal (which i’ll get into if you don’t know my story) but i wanted to be respectful of her time with her family and with whatever procedures she would have to endure to overcome it.
She eventually called me. “I’ll be back to work in April!” she said. She assured me that she was making good progress against the tumor and she fully expected to be done with chemo and radio therapy in the coming months and be back at work full time.
April came and went. May came and went. Summer came and went. Barb didn’t come back to work.
Still, she called me now and then because she needed access to something on our network or had a question about something work related. Of course we talked about personal stuff; at least whatever my time would allow. She was always upbeat, still convinced she was going to triumph over her cancer but taking the time to travel and do things like meet Gates McFadden- a pic that she shared with me with no small degree of happiness.
To my discredit and perhaps to my shame, i didn’t press her to visit. I thought she was responding to therapy and that she was recovering.
But there’s another reason. A reason that began for me in 1966.
A woman named Rosemary all of 24, 25, 26 years old- i don’t know- gave birth to me in Houston, TX. During my delivery she had a grand mal seizure but had no history of epilepsy.
After i was born, it was discovered she had tumors in her brain.
My dad worked two jobs in the Port of Houston making $2.10 an hour, then would go to spend time with her. My grandparents told me how he would cut her food and feed her when she became paraplegic – then quadriplegic. My grandparents largely raised me during this time. Rosemary’s health deteriorated over the course of the next two years until she died some time in 1968 or 1969 i think. I do not believe she lived to see 30.
When i learned that Barb had brain cancer, i felt like i would have been intruding in what might end up being a very short time left on this world. It wasn’t a selfish thing nor was i afraid of being around someone that might end up being terminally ill (some people are) but at the same time, i failed to remember the thing that made Barbara who she was.
After hearing the stories that many people shared at her memorial last Saturday, one of the many qualities that Barb had was the ability to be there- REALLY THERE when you spent time with her. Her conversations were genuine, fun, substantive and when you spoke to her, she really wanted to know how you were doing.
As much as she gave to others, i suppose i never gave thought to the fact that we also gave to her. Friends are chosen and without hesitation, i can say that Barb was a friend to me and i was a friend to her.
Late last year, i found that Barbara wasn’t doing well. And with that news, i decided it was time to see if i could visit.
But i had to go back to Texas first.
That trip wiped me out emotionally as family trips often do. It took me a week or two to recover. And then- finally, after a year and a half of putting it off, i was told to email her husband, Cody, and ask if i could visit.
There was no response.
Two weeks later, i emailed Barb.
No response.
A few days later the news came that Barbara had ceased chemo and radiation therapy, which she was no longer responding to, and was at home under hospice care.
A woman that worked with Barb and Cody scheduled me to visit her on 15 feb.
Then the news came that she died on the 8th.
Hey. It’s ANOTHER Sunday afternoon. I’m thinking i should break this entry into two parts. The 2nd part won’t be that long – at least i don’t think it will.
Mr. Ellis – if you catch this, i wanted to take a moment to thank you for your comment. I write in this journal because it helps clear my head. I suppose the difference between just thinking something and actually taking the time to put it somewhere public lends itself to some degree of vulnerability (should we choose to be honest with ourselves instead of just seeking to garner attention) and in doing so, it brings some modicum of perhaps calmness and clarity in my life.
As an aside, that was quite the match between Aus and Eng during Autumn Nations last year. And while i don’t watch league as much as i do union, i have to admit that league is an absolute blast to watch – and the Rabbitohs in particular.
Quick announcement – i am working on editing and posting another episode of Catharsis/ Sex & Ice on YouTube. This one is particularly long and frankly, i cringe so hard that i could cause the earth to shudder at some of the banal shit that i said back then. I’ll make it a point to resume working on it this week.
Repeating what i said last week: I also want to make a quick announcement that my initial enthusiasm for this particular template has worn thin. It’s nice in a lot of ways but doesn’t quite hit the spot for me in terms of both aesthetics nor presentation.
I don’t know how many, if any, people read this journal but if you do, expect to see some visual changes soon.
-shelly
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