wandering the sheltering sky

A few days ago i wrote about how i was finally able to run… um, LUMBER like some obtuse, pasty marshmallow fuck for thirty fucking minutes on a treadmill. No, it wasn’t pretty but i did it, i did it, I DID IT !

On Thursday night/ Friday morning, my lungs decided to fuck me and give me the beginning symptoms of a lung infection. This is characterized by a sore throat and congested lungs. Thankfully there was no fever associated with it and i didn’t have the full-on body aches that would indicate something more troublesome like the onset of influenza. But there was no mistake- my lungs were GANKED.

But yesterday i realized my car was driving me to the gym whether i liked it or not. Thankfully i had my gym clothes with me. Next thing i knew, i was there again, doing those stupid goddamned planks and then to the treadmill.
Continue reading “fuck. i did it again. FUCK !!!”

I recently found myself at Frys in Wilsonville. One theory is that bachelors have to go to Frys every few days or weeks, at most, to recharge their status as bachelors and that anyone that wants to maintain their geek credentials, boy or girl, are subject to the same irresistible draw (and the hollow promise of decent prices on name brand merchandise) as are bachelors.

I’m perusing the cameras when a young’ish porcelain skinned brunette approaches me and asks if i need help. She’s sporting a tight blood red skirt and although she doesn’t have large hips, per se, they are slightly larger than what her frame might suggest and her skirt perfectly accentuates them. Her blouse is a gunmetal gray and both contour and fit against her figure with all the tightness of a well rehearsed jazz quartet. Her ass is slightly larger than what you would expect of a figure like hers and i don’t even try to hide the fact that i’m stealing glances at it when possible.
Continue reading “that is debatable”

For the last several weeks, i’ve been spending more and more time in the gym. Some days i do some weights but most of the times that i go, it’s so that i can work on my cardio. I’ll start by doing some planks. I’m up to one minute for at least two of those planks. They are excruciating.

I think i mentioned this in another post i made about transitioning from an XXL to an XL but i’ll repeat myself anyway.

I used to do a brisk walk on a treadmill for 30 minutes. Don’t get me wrong; it was a good cardio workout but it needed to be better.

In mid November, i dared myself to run for a bit. So i did. I made it ten minutes. I felt absolutely miserable. One week later, i was running fifteen minutes and feeling less miserable.
Continue reading “thirty minutes- finally!”

I’m sitting in the sauna in my gym. I can feel my heart rate is sustained at about 155 bpm and quite possibly higher. I am listening to the third movement of Low– a symphony originally composed by David Bowie and Brian Eno. This version is rendered by Philip Glass and is one of the most beautiful things i have in my music collection. Drops of sweat are falling off me with like leaves in autumn. I am drinking water but it feels as though i am losing it at nearly the same rate.
Continue reading “trading one pain for another (or how i have gone from an XXL to an XL)”

A few minutes ago, OKCupid had a question about how i feel about “Gay Marriage.”

I find the phrase repulsive. It’s marriage- period.

Marriage is a legally binding contract that describes, among other things, rights of shared ownership and property. It is not a license/ contract that is contingent on mutual love, it is not a contract that is issued based on the ability of others to breed.
Continue reading “on gay marriage”

Today is Thanksgiving. Today is difficult.

I was so sure that i’d finally found someone that wanted to go the distance; to spend their life with me. She was someone that i was so sure i’d be with to watch her hair turn to silver, whose kiss i would receive every night, whose smile would be one of the first things i would see in the morning.

I’m working in the kitchen today and although there are nearly a dozen people around me, there is no one else.

I am trying to focus on my friends- on the people that have known me for many years and many changes and understand the commitment of friendship. I will be seeing them soon.

But today i am without someone that i believed was my closest and dearest friend for the better part of five years. Her violent departure and continued absence is… it is difficult for me today.

As most of you now know, Adelle and i are no longer together.

The aftermath has been difficult but sobering. My friends have helped me gain perspective— a perspective that i was missing because:

• It was Adelle who was my closest friend, lover and someone that just a few weeks ago, said she wanted to be Mrs. Adelle Tumbleson.
• She had hurt me tremendously with a cruel, cruel e-mail that she’d sent weeks before. But me being me, i (very stupidly), thought the demands she made in this mail- that we change our relationship from a couple looking to get married to being friends-with-benefits (there were other assaults and absolute demands that made it clear i no longer had a right to discuss any aspect of our relationship), that they had been said as moments-of-passion type things. I was wrong. My drive to seek understanding and to forgive her was deeply misplaced and as a result, i was unable to see the situation objectively.

Since then, i’ve had several conversations with friends, acquaintances and even strangers alike about a few subjects; communication and honesty being one of them.
Continue reading “aftermath | communication and honesty”

Dear all,

As some of you know and many of you do not, there have been some violent changes in my life. I am taking advantage of this time to make some of my own, internal changes, too.

I’m going to make some announcements about another life that i’ve kept mostly secret for some time. This involves a philosophy that humans are intrinsically capable of love and expressing that love in ways that are more in line with human nature. It is a philosophy that rejects societal expectations and other false constructs… constructs that i believe were created and are maintained as a means to control women for the most part.

As i discuss these things, there are two key aspects i ask you to keep in mind.

These are my observations and beliefs only. I am not trying to “convert” or preach at anyone. I find evangelism to be morally and ethically repulsive.

I am not open to nor interested in hearing that my ideas are wrong, immoral or that i’m going to a mythological place called, “hell”. They are not and i am not.

More to come.

It hurt so much today to not chat with you. I’ve lost my best friend and i don’t think either of us fully understand why. I kept staring at my computer screen waiting to see, “hello, sweetie” pop up and i kept wanting to ask how you slept and to tell you again that i wish i could be there to shower you with kisses and you would remind me how much better you sleep when i’m next to you. I’m not going to self-deprecate and say that maybe you don’t need that from me anymore. I think you do- i think you need that now more than ever. I know i do. Loving you made me a better person and while i won’t presume to speak for you, i believe your loving me has made you a better person too.

I am back where i never wanted to be. My body moves without my knowledge, my bones float in a sea of disbelief. I am detached from the world around me.
Continue reading “carve”