wandering the sheltering sky

25 May 2008 to 27 October 2012. Goodbye, my beautiful diamond.

I have let my wounds define me. I have let years of hurt be the skin i wear. And now i am riddled with more.

I have worn an exterior of not believing in myself because it hurt so much to be perceived as arrogant. I allowed the facade to be the first things people saw in me and eventually i began to think it it really was me.

I have always struggled with my own attractiveness even though logically i know i’m pretty goddamned awesome and i have dated some BEAUTIFULSMARTKIND women.

I have allowed my fears of being abandoned and of being excluded come to the forefront and in response, the woman i have thought i would spend my life with has responded with her own fear-that i am trying to control her. Two rational people have now become irrational and now we can’t speak without hurting each other.

The rift has torn us apart and has brought out the worst in each of us and fostered an environment where we can’t communicate and honesty is delivered in jagged, cruel swaths- and now there is more blood on my hands.

I will not be controlled by these things anymore. I will stumble and i will fall sometimes and right now there are a lot of tears that i need to give back to the ground beneath my feet. But during this time and once this time has passed, i will no longer allow myself to be those parts that have sought to diminish me, to make me doubt my worth. And most of all, i will honor and respect the wounds, rents and hurt that i have endured because those things have taught me the importance of being kind, loving, forgiving- but they’re part of the journey that has brought me to where i am; not the journey itself nor are they the path under my feet.

I will continue to believe that

I
AM
FUCKING
AWESOME.

As an aside, i came across this image last year. I have often referred to it with a self examining eye. In truth, i am almost always in the green part of this. I do slip. We all do. But i am the master of my life, i have a deep sense of self respect and i have found some of the finest people in the world to call friends. They will support, love and encourage me and when i fuck up, they will call me on it. It’s a good diagram for those willing to consider it and who don’t mind being compared to goats. Goats are pretty remarkable creatures actually even if they’ve been known to steal the souls of children with those spooky eyes of theirs. That probably explains the milk. It’s the distilled essence of the souls of children. Delicious, delicious children… and you can turn em into some tasty cheese too.

Over the years i’ve had a few paintings that use “Saskatchewan” in the title and as of a few days ago, i finally completed and have posted a triptych that i have made titled, “Nothing Ever Happens in Saskatchewan”.

So of course, this has prompted even MOAR people to ask me why i am so preoccupied with Saskatchewan and Alberta.

This is one reason why.

And this is another.

We all have dreams. One of mine is to spend a few weeks driving the plains of Alberta and Saskatchewan and exploring British Columbia.

[audio:11_sept_2012_canadian_vacation.mp3]

Note: i made a couple or more mistakes in this narration. Some are technical as i’m still trying to learn how to use Audacity but i mention Edmonton as the place where SCTV began. This is incorrect. The television production of SCTV began in Toronto, i believe and was moved to Edmonton after the first or second season (if memory serves me right).

Music credits to be posted tomorrow.

Nothing Ever Happens in Saskatchewan

part one: the visitor
part two: shift
part three: solstice

media: watercolor, pencil, archival pen
surface: 3 panels, 4″x6″, 140# cold press watercolor paper
Note: i do not know why this thumbnail is so blurry. Will deal w/ it later.

Larger view

I’m beginning to post my stuff to imgur. I only have a few items posted so far but will add more soon to soon’ish.

 

I spent this last weekend with a group of people with whom i have a shared set of values with. They are from all walks of life, income brackets and appearances. As i’ll describe in a bit, i went to this event without much in the way of expectation and what i ended up coming away with is, among other things, a clearer state of mind and a healthier perspective on a facet of my life that has been more damaged than i thought it was- my confidence.

This journal entry will most likely take on a whole new level of self-indulgence. That’s not my intention. My intention is to put some of my experiences into perspective not only for myself but also for others that might have given up their confidence or knows someone that’s given up their’s.

I will be adding to this entry as time goes on. It may even take me a few days to complete it. I STRONGLY suggest not taking in this entire entry in one sitting.

[audio:26_aug_2012_confidence_pt_1.mp3]
part one- What Confidence Used To Mean, What It Came To Mean

[audio:26_aug_2012_confidence_pt_2.mp3]
part two- You Were Born Alone, You Will Die Alone, Accidental Intimidation

[audio:26_aug_2012_confidence_pt_3.mp3]
part three- The Three Things That Forever Changed Me

[audio:26_aug_2012_confidence_pt_4.mp3]
part four- Peeling the Husk Away, Afterthoughts

References
The Fifteen Year Nap, Narrated

A few years ago, using my Stumble Upon toolbar, i came across the website for Carla Klein.

I was immediately struck by her imagery.

See, i have an ongoing obsession with horizons and skies. Horizons are an interesting thing. They are boundaries that exist within our perception and nowhere else. They provide a dramatic stage by which a day both enters and leaves our lives. They can turn a dismal gray day into an eternity where sunrise, daytime and sunsets have little meaning.
Continue reading “carla klein”

I have a continual problem with what gets posted on the comments section of the Huffington Post and what doesn’t. As is standard with the Huffington Post, when a comment is censored, no reason is given nor is there any notification as to why. There are times when comments may not appear for hours. Again, no reason is given for the delay.

Below is my response to this article.
Continue reading “huffington post post”

Last Friday i had an interview in Seattle (yes, Friday the 13th). I think i did reasonably well but in any interview setting, there are always two factors that will work against me. The first is, it’s an interview. No matter how confident i am in myself and my abilities, there’s a part of me that’s nervous. There were a couple of answers that i gave that i wish i could have done over again.
Continue reading “a difference in philosophy”

[audio:15_year_nap_part_01.mp3]
part one

[audio:15_year_nap_part_02.mp3]
part two

[audio:15_year_nap_part_03.mp3]
part three

[audio:15_year_nap_part_04.mp3]
part four

This entry has a few goals. One is to provide a narrative about how my undiagnosed and untreated sleep apnea irrevocably and negatively affected my life. The other is to continue building samples of my voice and the third is to do a longer narration so that i can hear myself and learn from my mistakes.
Continue reading “narration : the fifteen year nap”

media: watercolor, pencil, archival pen

I’ll add more to this post later. I just wanted to post it tonight.

Hi. I’m here and there these days. Had to go to the E/R on Thanksgiving morning thanks to a kidney stone that decided that was the best time to make its presence known. Had surgery for it last Wednesday but unfortunately the doctor was unable to reach the stone. We’re trying again this coming Wednesday.

Allergies are hammering me, the heat is out in the house and I ran into some extra expenditures that I wasn’t anticipating. It’s not shaping up to be a very good Christmas. There are so many things I want to do/ get for friends and family and there just never seems to be enough time or money.

I’ll update everyone on the weirdness known as my life asap. Promise.