wandering the sheltering sky

I’m sitting in the sauna in my gym. I can feel my heart rate is sustained at about 155 bpm and quite possibly higher. I am listening to the third movement of Low– a symphony originally composed by David Bowie and Brian Eno. This version is rendered by Philip Glass and is one of the most beautiful things i have in my music collection. Drops of sweat are falling off me with like leaves in autumn. I am drinking water but it feels as though i am losing it at nearly the same rate.
Continue reading “trading one pain for another (or how i have gone from an XXL to an XL)”

A few minutes ago, OKCupid had a question about how i feel about “Gay Marriage.”

I find the phrase repulsive. It’s marriage- period.

Marriage is a legally binding contract that describes, among other things, rights of shared ownership and property. It is not a license/ contract that is contingent on mutual love, it is not a contract that is issued based on the ability of others to breed.
Continue reading “on gay marriage”

Today is Thanksgiving. Today is difficult.

I was so sure that i’d finally found someone that wanted to go the distance; to spend their life with me. She was someone that i was so sure i’d be with to watch her hair turn to silver, whose kiss i would receive every night, whose smile would be one of the first things i would see in the morning.

I’m working in the kitchen today and although there are nearly a dozen people around me, there is no one else.

I am trying to focus on my friends- on the people that have known me for many years and many changes and understand the commitment of friendship. I will be seeing them soon.

But today i am without someone that i believed was my closest and dearest friend for the better part of five years. Her violent departure and continued absence is… it is difficult for me today.

As most of you now know, Adelle and i are no longer together.

The aftermath has been difficult but sobering. My friends have helped me gain perspective— a perspective that i was missing because:

• It was Adelle who was my closest friend, lover and someone that just a few weeks ago, said she wanted to be Mrs. Adelle Tumbleson.
• She had hurt me tremendously with a cruel, cruel e-mail that she’d sent weeks before. But me being me, i (very stupidly), thought the demands she made in this mail- that we change our relationship from a couple looking to get married to being friends-with-benefits (there were other assaults and absolute demands that made it clear i no longer had a right to discuss any aspect of our relationship), that they had been said as moments-of-passion type things. I was wrong. My drive to seek understanding and to forgive her was deeply misplaced and as a result, i was unable to see the situation objectively.

Since then, i’ve had several conversations with friends, acquaintances and even strangers alike about a few subjects; communication and honesty being one of them.
Continue reading “aftermath | communication and honesty”

Dear all,

As some of you know and many of you do not, there have been some violent changes in my life. I am taking advantage of this time to make some of my own, internal changes, too.

I’m going to make some announcements about another life that i’ve kept mostly secret for some time. This involves a philosophy that humans are intrinsically capable of love and expressing that love in ways that are more in line with human nature. It is a philosophy that rejects societal expectations and other false constructs… constructs that i believe were created and are maintained as a means to control women for the most part.

As i discuss these things, there are two key aspects i ask you to keep in mind.

These are my observations and beliefs only. I am not trying to “convert” or preach at anyone. I find evangelism to be morally and ethically repulsive.

I am not open to nor interested in hearing that my ideas are wrong, immoral or that i’m going to a mythological place called, “hell”. They are not and i am not.

More to come.

It hurt so much today to not chat with you. I’ve lost my best friend and i don’t think either of us fully understand why. I kept staring at my computer screen waiting to see, “hello, sweetie” pop up and i kept wanting to ask how you slept and to tell you again that i wish i could be there to shower you with kisses and you would remind me how much better you sleep when i’m next to you. I’m not going to self-deprecate and say that maybe you don’t need that from me anymore. I think you do- i think you need that now more than ever. I know i do. Loving you made me a better person and while i won’t presume to speak for you, i believe your loving me has made you a better person too.

I am back where i never wanted to be. My body moves without my knowledge, my bones float in a sea of disbelief. I am detached from the world around me.
Continue reading “carve”

25 May 2008 to 27 October 2012. Goodbye, my beautiful diamond.

I have let my wounds define me. I have let years of hurt be the skin i wear. And now i am riddled with more.

I have worn an exterior of not believing in myself because it hurt so much to be perceived as arrogant. I allowed the facade to be the first things people saw in me and eventually i began to think it it really was me.

I have always struggled with my own attractiveness even though logically i know i’m pretty goddamned awesome and i have dated some BEAUTIFULSMARTKIND women.

I have allowed my fears of being abandoned and of being excluded come to the forefront and in response, the woman i have thought i would spend my life with has responded with her own fear-that i am trying to control her. Two rational people have now become irrational and now we can’t speak without hurting each other.

The rift has torn us apart and has brought out the worst in each of us and fostered an environment where we can’t communicate and honesty is delivered in jagged, cruel swaths- and now there is more blood on my hands.

I will not be controlled by these things anymore. I will stumble and i will fall sometimes and right now there are a lot of tears that i need to give back to the ground beneath my feet. But during this time and once this time has passed, i will no longer allow myself to be those parts that have sought to diminish me, to make me doubt my worth. And most of all, i will honor and respect the wounds, rents and hurt that i have endured because those things have taught me the importance of being kind, loving, forgiving- but they’re part of the journey that has brought me to where i am; not the journey itself nor are they the path under my feet.

I will continue to believe that

I
AM
FUCKING
AWESOME.

As an aside, i came across this image last year. I have often referred to it with a self examining eye. In truth, i am almost always in the green part of this. I do slip. We all do. But i am the master of my life, i have a deep sense of self respect and i have found some of the finest people in the world to call friends. They will support, love and encourage me and when i fuck up, they will call me on it. It’s a good diagram for those willing to consider it and who don’t mind being compared to goats. Goats are pretty remarkable creatures actually even if they’ve been known to steal the souls of children with those spooky eyes of theirs. That probably explains the milk. It’s the distilled essence of the souls of children. Delicious, delicious children… and you can turn em into some tasty cheese too.

Over the years i’ve had a few paintings that use “Saskatchewan” in the title and as of a few days ago, i finally completed and have posted a triptych that i have made titled, “Nothing Ever Happens in Saskatchewan”.

So of course, this has prompted even MOAR people to ask me why i am so preoccupied with Saskatchewan and Alberta.

This is one reason why.

And this is another.

We all have dreams. One of mine is to spend a few weeks driving the plains of Alberta and Saskatchewan and exploring British Columbia.

[audio:11_sept_2012_canadian_vacation.mp3]

Note: i made a couple or more mistakes in this narration. Some are technical as i’m still trying to learn how to use Audacity but i mention Edmonton as the place where SCTV began. This is incorrect. The television production of SCTV began in Toronto, i believe and was moved to Edmonton after the first or second season (if memory serves me right).

Music credits to be posted tomorrow.

Nothing Ever Happens in Saskatchewan

part one: the visitor
part two: shift
part three: solstice

media: watercolor, pencil, archival pen
surface: 3 panels, 4″x6″, 140# cold press watercolor paper
Note: i do not know why this thumbnail is so blurry. Will deal w/ it later.

Larger view

I’m beginning to post my stuff to imgur. I only have a few items posted so far but will add more soon to soon’ish.